My best friend in the whole world died on Saturday, February 13. She was my valentine so we didn't get to celebrate that together. She truly was the most special 'person' I have ever met in my life. She didnt see a person that had a past. She didnt see a person that had been conceived in rape. She didnt see anything but love. I felt nothing but love when we were together. She genuinely cared about me to the core of who she was. She cared like no other person has in my entire life. Missy knew when I was upset. She was so in tuned with everything I felt, but it was not only that, she cared! She would come right up to me and look genuinely concerned. Not just a dog licking a face, but a genuine I love you mommy how can I make it better. Do you know how important it is to be loved that much. To be cared about that much. To know that someone makes you their world and cares if you are hurting. She genuinely loved me and never once not even one time rejected me. In a fun way she would get mad at me, but she would still look out of the corner of her eyes to keep her eyes on me trying to act mad. it was so funny. she never acted like a dog. my dog woodson acts like a dog. Missy simply never did. She not only waited for me to come home, but she would get up, greet me, and be so glad i was home. things have not been that easy for me, but with Missy, she made everything okay. She just made my world a better place. She was a light in a very dark place for me and i will forever be grateful. I think that is why it is so hard. She really loved me and i really loved her. This was not a dog/person relationship. We really loved each other. I could walk her down the street, without a leash and we would just talk and she would look up at me and listen. I would just say come on missy lets go home and she would just turn around and we would go home. we would just sit outside and enjoy and i would talk to her and she would just sit and listen and if i would be sad, she would get up and lick me on the lips. she always made me smile no matter what. woodson just lies there oblivoius...lol. she is all about food or going out. not missy. she was about me. i dont have that anymore. she was about me. if i said ouch, she would come see why. if i told her my biological mom hated me, she would lay with me all night long while i couldnt sleep and look me in the eye sharing a pillow just letting me know things were ok that she loved me. what peopel get from other people, i got from her. What you are to get from your spouse, i got from her. I told her everything and she listened. She really did understand me and she really really cared. Everybody wants someone to care about them to the core of who they are and just let them know that they are so importnat. Missy did that. She said with her eyes, whats wrong and i would tell her and she would kiss it and make it better. I would sit on the floor and she would look me eye to eye and she wouldnt even look away. I would get up and say im gonna go back in the bedroom missy. She would get up and go with me. she never wanted me to be alone. i genuinely felt that she really believed she was here to love me. When i looked in her eyes, I saw how much she cared about me and that was why i couldnt leave her even until the end. We were committed to each other and she loved life and she loved to be where the laughing was and the cooking and the joy. She loved it when we played games and she would get right up to the table to watch or we would play on the floor so she could have her own game pieces. She loved it. and she smiled all the time, cept when i was sad. she was the most amazing 'person' on the face of the earth. i talk to her non stop like i would of, but i just cant accept the fact that all she is is a picture on the wall. i just cant get to that point right now. My loss of being able to hold her head in my hands and she would just melt when i would do that, the loss is just soooo huge. She would always want me to put my hand on her face and her entire being reacted with the love she felt from me. she responded to my love. do you know how important that was to me. it meant everything. she even did that before she died. and she responded to me in the way she could even in her coma. i know she knows i was there. I just have to believe that she is waiting for me in heaven. I have to believe that she feels nothing, but joy and love right now and that she does not feel the deep separation that I feel. I pray with all my heart that she still senses my love for her and that everything is okay for her. I spent 14 years making sure she was okay. I spent 14 years laughing at her bubble tongue and her licks. I spent 14 years holding her to my chest. I fed her from a bottle when I first got her. She was truly my baby. Truly truly was a gift from God. she is still here with me and I will continue to talk to her every day and incorporate her into my new normal cuz I have to make a new normal without her. As a writer, I spend many hours at home writing. she never missed an article. she sat with me and watched me write every one. how do I continue my profession without her? I have to find a way. I just have to find a way. Missy would want that. I have to believe that she is here with me anyway. You know, people hurt. They come and go all the time. They abuse and batter. Missy never did anything, but love. Nothing. I know God didnt do this to her. I know death is here, but I didn't want Missy to go through it. For some reason, I just could never comprehend that she would die. I knew it and I know she's gone, but to me, she was just so special that i never wanted her to experience that. She will be with me forever and whether I go in 10 years or 20 or whatever, she will be there waiting for me in heaven. I know it. I know that she is here with me now. I can feel her. I hold her red sweater that she wore all the time, and I smell it and it gives me such a peace. there is nothing like an animal. People...lol...I can do without...lol. Animals are a true gift from God. She died 5 days ago. Wow. Five days. I'm waiting for her ashes and I cannot wait to get them. Just give me a sense of peace that she is back home. She needs to be home with her mama. Missy I love you baby! Baby! I love you so much!
